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My First Blog Post

aloha

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more.

I thought about changing more of the default text, but honestly it fits what I want to portray perfectly. This is my first blogging experience and not going to lie, its kind of terrifying. I want to be as open as possible. My goal for this blog is to be a journal…a form of therapy you could say. Anything I post will be for my sake, but anyone who is interested in following along is more than welcome.

E ho’omau kākou a i ka pau ‘ana.

Persevere until the end.

Melemele💛

Yellow
The sun’s morning rays☀️
A bee’s precious honey🍯
A flower’s pretty petals🌼
Sounds like a bustling spring morning🐿
A busy hive serving their queen 🐝
The wind caressing a field of wild flowers🌻
Tastes like biting into the sweetest pineapple🍍
Like first sip of water after playing outside on a sweltering afternoon🥵
Like fresh squeezed lemonade sweetened perfectly for you🍋
Feels like the warmth of winter’s end🌞
After spending the day with your favorite person💛
Finding contentment within yourself 🥰

a little poem i was inspired to write☺️

Thanks Anxiety

Form the moment I started this blog I’ve been thinking about where I should start. Competing? My anxiety? Something random? Well, thanks to my new buddy Anxiety, I finally came to a decision.

Since my last post I’ve managed to have about three anxiety issues with today’s one being the worst. Mostly because I was still working and with my client. Looking back at it, I think it was a blessing in disguise I was with my client because it forced me to keep it together and breathe through it. The worst ones always start the same. My vision goes weird and I have a hard time focusing. My heart begins to pound. And lately my throat decided she wanted to join the party and tighten up. I end up tasting a metallic taste in my mouth, which I’m not quite sure is related or not. Anyway, I was able to come over the initial anxiety attack pretty well. The part I’ve come to hate is the recovery after.

After an anxiety issue I feel so tired. On top of that my stomach is usually sore and I have to use the restroom. I’ve come to refer to that as my “stress poops”. And honestly they suck cause when I have to go, it means GO. NOW. I also spend my time in this weird state of unease. It’s as if my body is on a scale constantly fighting for balance. On one side I feel normal, and on the other is the feelings of worry, stress, and lowkey panic that I’m going to experience something soon again. Most times, I’m able to maintain balance, if not, have the scales tipped to normality a little. Tonight that wasn’t the case.

I spent the evening laying down on the couch in the living room watching movies. I felt relatively fine, just the usual waves of uneasiness. Around 10:30pm I decided to have a meal. That’s when the scales began to tip in the other direction. Mid meal I began to feel my head rushing. It starts from my neck and it almost feels like a wave of energy is traveling upwards towards my skull. In that moment I basically said to myself, “Hou shit,” and rode it out without giving in to it. I knew that if I did my heart would pound faster. I told myself I had no reason to feel any of this right now. I barely finished my food and spent the whole time fighting back tears. I kept telling myself not to give in. The last time I gave in and bawled my eyes out I ended up gasping awake at 4am (we loveeeee that soooo much. Toootaallyyyy not one of the causes of my anxietyyyy🙃🖕🏽). I decided to look on Instagram to see if there were any pages that would give me tips about handling my anxiety. I came across the usual stuff like grounding and breathing techniques. But nothing really hit me until I saw this..

I immediately started crying. Hard. But when I was done, I actually felt so much better. I related so much to the last part of that text. About having to pull over because of vision problems, wanting to sleep all the time, and feeling like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t feel like I have a valid reason to why I’m experiencing this. Also this picture reflected how I tend to hold back what I really want to say. I’d hate to overwhelm the few people I actually do feel like I can talk to. And by people I mean one. My boyfriend. He’s been so amazing and trying to be my rock and support me. But still, I know he worries so I try not to talk about all of this with him too often. I feel like I’d weigh him down too.

So yeah. As of right now, sleep pattern is crap, motivation to workout is crap, and wanting to chill at home all day is an all time high. BUT, throughout all this I’ve been learning to accept when I have these feelings. It’s still scary but not as much. Today showed me I have some power to not give in all the way and to help it pass it’s peak. Sure, I feel it bubbling inside of me just waiting to pour out. But at least I’m learning to distinguish my anxiety from other feelings I’m having. I feel like that’s definitely one step closer to getting this under control.

E hoʻomau wau i ahonui.

I will continue to grow.

Introducing Myself

Aloha!

Normally for an introduction I’d start with my name, however, as with the beauty of the internet, I can remain anonymous. This is my first time expressing myself on the internet with any form of anonymity. Lowkey excited and terrified. So for now, I’ll talk about what ahonui means. To start off, in Hawaiian, one word can have a number of meanings– which can include phrases, not just single words. Ahonui, for example, can mean, “patience, perseverance, deep breath, endurance”. Each meaning would change depending on how its used in context. Additionally, there are sooo many words in Hawaiian that mean “persevere”, and I’ll use a lot of them throughout my posts.

I grew up in Hawai’i. I’ve lived here all my life and even stayed for college. I recently graduated with a double major in Psychology and Kinesiology. Some of my hobbies include reading, going to the beach (of course), cuddling with my furbabies, volleyball, and weightlifting & nutrition.

In recent years I’ve stepped back from volleyball to focus on competing in bodybuilding competitions. When people meet me they’re always shocked to find out I’ve competed. Mainly because (at first) I’m the quieter, shy type, who prefers to let others start conversations; and its the complete opposite of what competing entails: portraying confidence and discipline, and being judged on appearance alone. So far, I’ve competed three times, winning third, second, and first, respectively in each show. Competing for the last three years has set me upon a path I thought I would never go down. I’ve grown so much as a person for the better, and yes, maybe in some ways not so much for the better.

What made me want to start blogging and to get my thoughts down is I’ve been going through anxiety. It’s one of the most common things people have, yet as I’ve found out, it’s easy to feel alone at times. It’s been hard for me to admit as well that my anxiety is as bad as it is sometimes. I’ve recently gone to my Dr to figure things out, and I really want to work on natural ways to decompress. In the past I’ve found writing to be a stress reliever, so I’m hoping it’ll help with my anxiety as well.

Sooo yeah. The anxiety may be what actually made me start my own blog, but I’ve always wanted a free, positive space to talk about my experiences competing, school, mental health, and life in general. Basically imma post what I want to post, hehe. It’s funny how thing’s work out sometimes, but maybe going out of my comfort zone again is just what I need.

E noke i ka hana a e maika’i lo aka hopena!

Keep persevering through and the end will be great!