Form the moment I started this blog I’ve been thinking about where I should start. Competing? My anxiety? Something random? Well, thanks to my new buddy Anxiety, I finally came to a decision.
Since my last post I’ve managed to have about three anxiety issues with today’s one being the worst. Mostly because I was still working and with my client. Looking back at it, I think it was a blessing in disguise I was with my client because it forced me to keep it together and breathe through it. The worst ones always start the same. My vision goes weird and I have a hard time focusing. My heart begins to pound. And lately my throat decided she wanted to join the party and tighten up. I end up tasting a metallic taste in my mouth, which I’m not quite sure is related or not. Anyway, I was able to come over the initial anxiety attack pretty well. The part I’ve come to hate is the recovery after.
After an anxiety issue I feel so tired. On top of that my stomach is usually sore and I have to use the restroom. I’ve come to refer to that as my “stress poops”. And honestly they suck cause when I have to go, it means GO. NOW. I also spend my time in this weird state of unease. It’s as if my body is on a scale constantly fighting for balance. On one side I feel normal, and on the other is the feelings of worry, stress, and lowkey panic that I’m going to experience something soon again. Most times, I’m able to maintain balance, if not, have the scales tipped to normality a little. Tonight that wasn’t the case.
I spent the evening laying down on the couch in the living room watching movies. I felt relatively fine, just the usual waves of uneasiness. Around 10:30pm I decided to have a meal. That’s when the scales began to tip in the other direction. Mid meal I began to feel my head rushing. It starts from my neck and it almost feels like a wave of energy is traveling upwards towards my skull. In that moment I basically said to myself, “Hou shit,” and rode it out without giving in to it. I knew that if I did my heart would pound faster. I told myself I had no reason to feel any of this right now. I barely finished my food and spent the whole time fighting back tears. I kept telling myself not to give in. The last time I gave in and bawled my eyes out I ended up gasping awake at 4am (we loveeeee that soooo much. Toootaallyyyy not one of the causes of my anxietyyyy🙃🖕🏽). I decided to look on Instagram to see if there were any pages that would give me tips about handling my anxiety. I came across the usual stuff like grounding and breathing techniques. But nothing really hit me until I saw this..
I immediately started crying. Hard. But when I was done, I actually felt so much better. I related so much to the last part of that text. About having to pull over because of vision problems, wanting to sleep all the time, and feeling like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t feel like I have a valid reason to why I’m experiencing this. Also this picture reflected how I tend to hold back what I really want to say. I’d hate to overwhelm the few people I actually do feel like I can talk to. And by people I mean one. My boyfriend. He’s been so amazing and trying to be my rock and support me. But still, I know he worries so I try not to talk about all of this with him too often. I feel like I’d weigh him down too.
So yeah. As of right now, sleep pattern is crap, motivation to workout is crap, and wanting to chill at home all day is an all time high. BUT, throughout all this I’ve been learning to accept when I have these feelings. It’s still scary but not as much. Today showed me I have some power to not give in all the way and to help it pass it’s peak. Sure, I feel it bubbling inside of me just waiting to pour out. But at least I’m learning to distinguish my anxiety from other feelings I’m having. I feel like that’s definitely one step closer to getting this under control.
E hoʻomau wau i ahonui.
I will continue to grow.
Ahonui- Perseverance & Patience 